Friday, 7 December 2012

How not to look like a fat frump when pregnant

You will notice, because you are smart, that I almost never promote anything on this blog. "Oh it's too much like hard work," I say to the occasional food person who gets in touch wondering if I'd like a free packet of spelt. "I'm so lazy," I say. "I'll never get round to it, sorry."

But the fact is that I'm not interested in food freebies. (Sometimes I wonder whether I'm interested in food full stop.) If I want something for free I will say to my husband: "I want some rare albino truffle please," and he will make a phonecall and it will turn up on my doorstep and I won't even have to write about it.

But clothes? Cloooooothes?? Special nice clothes for preggy ladies that don't make you look fat or pinch your bump or squish your boobs?

"Do you want some?" asked my friend Celia. "From ME+EM. We want you to be a sort of brand ambassador."

"FUCK YEAH" I screamed. I didn't even stop to say "Oh but why me? I'm so shit and fat and ugly. You don't want me, you want someone more glamorous and interesting." No, I did NOT say that, I just asked how much stuff I could have. Should I hire a parcel van to drive to the shop? Because I can do one on my Addison Lee app...

Then I immediately started to fret about it, as I always do. That the clothes wouldn't fit or wouldn't be nice and I would take a lot and then not wear them but have to be nice about them anyway. And then I would break our special bond, the one where I tell you the absolute truth about absolutely everything and don't try and sell you anything, ever.

Don't worry. I am not leading you a merry dance. This shit is for real. It's amazing. There are dresses here that make you look, if you're under, say, 20-24 weeks like you're not pregnant. Especially from the front. And after that, they just expand like magic so even though you look like a Sherman tank, you feel comfy.

Pregnancy wear is mostly so so horrible. Massive floaty things with a big print. But this is all terrifically chic. And THE best long-length jersey vests and long-sleeved t-shirts EVAH.

THERE'S EVEN A SALE ON RIGHT NOW!!!

These are the things I got, which are particularly excellent and I recommend to you, pregnant or not. More original, I think, and better fabrics than Isabella Oliver or Seraphine - though God bless them both, eh? Where would we be without them.

On the ME+EM website they do a thing where they use skinny models for all the clothes, so you can't really imagine how they would work on a massive pregnant arse and giant blobby tits, so this is my edit for anyone with a blubbery mess to cover up.

Just think of me like a very badass Gwyneth Paltrow, yeah?

Almost all of this comes in different colours and is available HERE. The sizing is very generous. I am 5'6'' and weigh in at 10 stone 3.5 and fit into a small.



Crepe swing dress. MAKES YOU LOOK NOT PREGNANT. £104. You will wear it everywhere and it's crepe so it won't get bobbles.

Tuck neck swing dress. This is just so cool, such a nice shape. Great with long boots, ankle boots or little slippers. £115. I will be wearing this on Christmas Day.


Extra long layer T. The last word in long-length long-sleeved tops. Soft as a kitten. £42. There are also excellent vests at £19 each. Fucking BARGAIN.

V-neck box pleat dress. Very similar to one at Isabella Oliver but a nicer colour, a more slimming fit and less expensive at £104

An amazing thing. If you only get one thing when you are pregnant, get this. It is sort of drapey and concealing without being heavyweight so you don't end up looking like a piece of soft furniture. It also has lovely long sleeves. I plan to wear mine until it has holes in it. Knit sleeve 3/4 jacket - £119

And a snood. Because I've decided that I hate scarves. Wide rib snood - £68
 
Happy shopping and have a great weekend.






 

15 comments:

  1. Hello Esther - Hannah here (we met at Simon's a while ago - hope you're well). I just wanted to say congratulations re baby number 2 and offer up a huge THANK YOU for this post. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant. Up until about 2 weeks ago I was feeling great and everyone kept telling me how svelte I looked and how I was hardly showing. Now I feel enormous, nothing seems to fit properly, and people have taken to telling me that I look "well" (which I interpret to mean chubby, especially in the face department). I was browsing on Asos, feeling increasingly dejected, trying to find clothes that would cheer me up, but all the maternity dresses look as though they are made of shitty polyester "chiffon" (as if pregnant women only want to wear floaty stuff). Anyway, this ME+EM stuff and the stuff on their website is exactly what I was looking for and I am about to order a shitload.

    Hannah xx
    (Having just re-read that comment I feel I should also declare that I have absolutely no affiliation with ME+EM.)



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  2. I just read this and even I'm excited. This is quite a triumph seeing as I just split up from my boyfriend last week and am now having one of those 'where the fuck is my life going' type of times, when I think about how I'm going to end up old and with cats, and then I cry about how even if I wanted cats I couldn't have them because my flat is leasehold and I'm not allowed pets. It's been somewhat trying.

    Anyway, cats aside, these clothes are lovely, and I'm sure you will look and feel fab. And thank you for making me smile on what has been a particularly hideous day.

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  3. YAY! you enter the world of 'now i have to write about' freebies! Also a massive fan of Me&Em - my tale was the fickle adventure of the perfect t: http://lifeofyablon.com/meem-the-story-of-a-t-shirt/
    xxx

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  4. Elizabeth Medovnik10 December 2012 at 00:17

    They look lovely. Makes me want to get pregnant just so I can wear them! xx

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  5. Banging on about getting fat whilst pregnant is surely beneath you Esther. I'd expect that from a shallow trophy wife, not an educated, independent woman. What kind of example are you giving your daughter by constantly obsessing over your appearance/weight?.You're setting her up for a lifetime of insecurity.

    At 5ft 6" weighing 10 stone you hardly qualify as someone even remotely overweight, so why all the 'I'm soooo fat' remarks, what are you 15?
    Focus on developing a healthy baby by eating the right foods, worry about your arse when he/she is born safe.

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    1. Anonymous, you have completely failed to grasp even the basic principle of this blog. Please please please go away and don't come back, you make my eyes hurt.

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    2. I do think that one is probably allowed to write about ones own arse on ones own blog as much as one likes. It's not compulsory to read it. And there isn't a woman in the world, however independent and educated, who doesn't obsess about her arse while pregant. It passes the time.

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  6. Maybe so. I guess the 1000+ people you offended with your DM article also 'don't grasp' the basic principle of what you're saying either...

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    Replies
    1. GO AWAY YOU HORRIBLE TROLL!!!!

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    2. Hear hear!! And Esther you are amazing just so you know

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  7. You are hilarious and bring a lot of joy into my life.Please don't change xxx

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  8. ooh these are lovely! almost makes me want to put another bun in the oven to wear them. Will tell my preggo friends

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  9. You're pregnant, sick and being trolled! Poor you :-( that's no fun. Elaine x

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  10. Re the Daily Mail thing. I had a girl, was then told the next was a boy and was thoroughly traumatised by the news like you. Got a couple of them now and don't worry, THEY'RE FINE!

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  11. Nice clothes.... is it acceptable to buy them to wear when not preggers, to cover up the food baby that will be sat on my stomach (and arse and thighs) in about 3 weeks time?

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