Thursday, 20 October 2011

Hamburger buns




A long time ago I thought that this blog would be about me testing out recipes I found in books and then telling you if they worked or not. But then I discovered that it was much more fun writing about me, me, me and my various problems and then tacking a recipe for, like, beans on toast at the end and hoping that no-one would notice that I wasn't really fulfilling my brief.

It became like a sort of free therapy, except that it didn't work and I went mad anyway and am having to get some very expensive therapy in Central London administered by a woman we'll call Dr O.

I went to see her for the first time today. I was ten minutes late because I couldn't find her bastard office and made a small joke about me not being anxious about being late because of all people who would be understanding it would be her. She gave me a pleasant but uncomprehending smile and I realised suddenly that she has no sense of humour. And what the fuck was I doing trying to make my therapist laugh anyway? Grow up.

That's beside the point. My point is that I found in the Hawksmoor cookbook a recipe for hamburger buns, which declared that the secret was to use custard in the dough.

"Awesome!" I screeched. "Custard!!! What fun. I will go back to my roots and test this out and say if it works or not."

And it's the stupidest bloody recipe I've ever done. And I've now decided that I HATE cookbooks especially restaurant cookbooks because they're always written by people who've been cooking for 8 million years and assume all sorts of things about the domestic cook and the recipes are never tested properly and they're always shit.

Say what you like about Jamie Oliver but he's got some proper recipe-testing going on. He doesn't just sling the recipes out to various relatives in a huge panic 5 days before the book goes to the printers, all of whom say they will test the recipes and then don't and lie and say they did and that they're fine causing ME to WASTE MY TIME making stupid hamburger buns that are crap and at least 50% less nice than if I'd just had a crack, blindfolded, at making them off the top of my head.

I mean... *legal panic*...not that I'm saying Hawksmoor doesn't test their recipes properly, I'm just saying that Jamie Oliver does.

Anyway, shall I bother with the recipe? I don't think I will actually. You can have the photo because I know how you all like a photo, but it was such a silly recipe, so lazily done, so inaccurate and unhelpful and rotten than I don't think I'll do it the service of even copying it out here.

Custard! I ask you... Dingbats.

24 comments:

  1. What exactly is having anxiety? I'm not trying to be sarcastic but I just don't really understand what it is and what it must feel like.
    Hope you feel better soon.
    Love this blog so much!

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  2. It looks quite nice though. You've got the seeds and everything...

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  3. Love checking my blog feed and seeing that Recipe Rifle has been updated! :)
    And love reading the posts instead of tackling this huge, ever-growing pile of Law reading :(

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  4. its like reading someone screaming into a wind-tunnel... joyous!

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  5. Hmmm - you bun looks ace so I totally though we were gonna get a good recipe. But, it's probably good therapy for you to have a rant about the crap recipe here. And we'll laugh - unlike your Dr O.

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  6. I love the way you write....shame I missed lots of your posts...
    Anyway this bun looks grate....I'm so curious to read the recipe now....

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  7. Therapy must be strange - none of the usual rules of conversation (break the ice, crack a joke, try to make them smile so they'll like you) apply.

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  8. I went to a therapist for a bit for anxiety.

    I was half an hour early one session, which you'd think he'd expect from an anxious person, but he FREAKED OUT about it. Would NOT stop going on about it.

    I never went back after that.

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  9. What I love about this post is the the reason I love to blog myself. It doesn't matter that you didn't write the recipe, you're doing what the he'll you want to do. No editor, no rules to follow. Just freedom to write as you will. That is my idea of heaven. Long may you continue to do so!

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  10. Ditto what Isabel said. You are completely fabulous. I love your writing and you make me laugh out loud, and whenever you rant the thought in my head is typically, 'I completely agree! Yes! People are so annoying!' Particularly the stuff about not liking parties, or scary phonecalls. And the relationship stuff - also brilliant! Please keep going, it makes my day when I see you've posted something new.

    In case you're wondering how far this blog reaches, I'm a twenty-something corporate lawyer in Sydney (sorry you had such a horrid experience in Oz) who does not cook. In fact, my boyfriend actively discourages it. I found this mildly upsetting at first, as it's not like I've ever actually poisoned anyone or served anything inedible to dinner guests, but ultimately I decided that if a man wants to slave over a hot stove for me while I eat crackers and fancy cheese and drink wine, far be it from me to argue with him.

    Anyway, the point of that story was that there is at least one random girl on the other side of the world who completely loves this blog and thinks you're awesome:)

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  11. Don't be so hasty ,,,, I think such a bun with custard involved filled with a juicy burger and a generous slodge of jam could be the Holy Grail of the doughburger (or burgnut?)

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  12. Esther, a psychologist I know (nb not a psychotherapist)told me that anxiety is a perfectly natural and healthy response to change/danger/uncertainty. I became completely unable to go on escalators after a fall whilst skiing and she congratulated me on my sense of self-preservation kicking in. Obviously any kind of anxiety is uncomfortable (panic attacks are grim) but feeling that I have good instincts made me feel better. Still don't love escalators but can manage. Lxx

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  13. Dear Esther,

    I actually love you, and your recipe fails.

    x

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  14. Anxiety is not about being anxious. It's about having some of a very wide range of physical symptoms that are caused by some kind of stress. They are physical manifestations that still must be treated very seriously because if they go on untreated they can actually cause you real damage. Funnily enough, having a baby some 23.5 years ago helped cure me of my anxiety.
    So I hope you get some relief soon. It is an awful feeling. (I'm from teh other side of the world too, in Melbourne.)

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  15. but that bun looks perfect! why don't you cut the chat and make me a nice tasty hamburger to go in it?

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  16. Elizabeth Medovnik23 October 2011 00:14

    I love hearing about you, you, you and your various problems. (Unlike your therapist, apparently) xx

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  17. Another one from the other side of the world who loves this blog. I do cook but thanks to you I know not to put custard in hamburger buns.

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  18. Surely that's a doughnut, not a bun?
    My sister co-wrote cookery books with a well-known chef. He called her 'my Delia' because she'd take his impossibly clever recipes & turn then into things lesser mortals could actually cook at home without needing to know his secret tricks.

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  19. I'm with Morven. Forget all the blogs out there that post about their perfect lives with their perfect photos, their Le Creuset cookware and their perfect kitchens, this blog is the one that inspires me the most because it's so clever, funny, honest, well written and just generally fabulous - it brightens my day every time I see a new Recipe Rifle entry on my blogroll.

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  20. Custard ? eeeuuugh.
    I use this recipe for burger buns. Try it, it works
    http://www.reallynicerecipes.com/recipe/breads/burger-buns

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  21. It's time I started following you properly, because you're fab. I keep slightly noticing this and failing to properly bookmark, but NO MORE *bookmarks*

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  22. And I'm with Greedy Diva. I was reading the lovely Inchmark blog this morning from the very very perfect Brooke Reynolds about her perfect family and perfect life and perfectly executed craft projects and wanted to top myself. Turned to you and had a good laugh. You are the champion of those of us who muddle through and my absolute favourite blogger.

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  23. Where are you Esther, hope you are ok. No post for ages. Take care xxx

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